She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
