Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
