Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
