The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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