I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
