Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
