Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
