Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
