matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
