Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
