i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
