nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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