It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
