Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
