If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
