I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
