I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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