Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize