these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
