After last night, I could never be a politician.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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