If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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