he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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