i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
