it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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