Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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