Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
