ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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