using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
