i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
