Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
