Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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