Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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