True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
