I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
