my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
