woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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