I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
