You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
