she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize