it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
