So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
