Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
