Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
