My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
