If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am one with the molecules
Ladies don't puke and tell
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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