Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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