I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I died a long time ago.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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