This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need water and some morals
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
