I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
