So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
