"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
