just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
