Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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