My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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