she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
