She is in my trunk
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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