I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything