after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer