Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ